so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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