peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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