Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
