so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
