I wish I could teleport
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
