im drinking this country out of the recession.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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