Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
