the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
