so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
