Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
