you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
