Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
