I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
