you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
