you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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