after a month anything with tits is on the radar
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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