Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
