some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Found your dick twin last night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
