Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
