dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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