If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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