I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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