I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
