how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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