I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Say something about gay babies.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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