you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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