smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
