I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
fuck your aforementioned shoe
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
