I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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