i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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