so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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