Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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