hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
