i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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