dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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