So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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