I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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