: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
