The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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