My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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