a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
