still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
