she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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