I just cut my nipple shaving
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
