my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
