I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
