I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
