My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
