You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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