I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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