i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
