I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
