I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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