just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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