If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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