I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
