I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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