He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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