I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
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I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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